Resolved

The following is the product of something I hardly ever do - New Year's resolutions. I often write just to process my own thoughts and feelings and this started out that way. Then over the next couple of weeks I expanded the resolutions to include the thinking and feeling behind them. I've shared them with some friends who have found them helpful in understanding me and for their own reflection. Here goes:

Resolved:

1. I will live authentically.

When we hear or read the command about not “bearing false witness” we often equate it with the need to avoid telling lies. I think truth telling is only a small part of the command.

Living a lie is also “bearing false witness”. Living authentically includes the positive virtues of openness and transparency – “being real” – but it also means not living a lie. Too often fear about what others might think or how others might act causes us to live the kind of false witness that protects us in the short term but will harm us in the long term. Yes, authenticity may have a cost, but isn’t it better for us and others than living a painful and dishonoring lie?

We are “fearfully and wonderfully made” and loved deeply by our heavenly Father for who he has created us to be. Let’s live out his creation of us for His glory in a way that honors our Redeemer. Let’s live full of grace and truth.

2. I will not worry about what others think or say.

Worry is a form of fear; fear about the future. In reality it is fear about what the future might, maybe, possibly, could hold if everything possible goes wrong! In writing to Timothy (Timothy the Fearful?), Paul reminds us that God has not “given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7). Those three antidotes to fear and worry are worth treasuring.

If we are living lives of authenticity (resolution #1) we have the power of integrity and a desire for truth to help us overcome worry. Often worry is based on lies Satan wants us to believe or doubts about the power of authentic living. Sometimes our worry comes when others abuse power. I have had the experience of well-intentioned (perhaps) friends with expertise in one area presume that this qualified them to speak with authority about my medical diagnosis and treatment! Trust the power of Him who works within you and not the words of man.

Love is also a good antidote for worry. Whatever the future holds, always remember that, in Christ, you are loved with a Divine, everlasting love; a love that will not let you go. God also sends His love to us through the love of others. When we live treasuring the love of God and others, many of our worries begin to fade. Joanne and I are very much aware that our battle for what is just and right may cost us everything, but our love sustains us. We’ve done poor once and can do it again if that is what it takes.

Worry often sneaks in when self-discipline is napping. Many worries can be quickly dissipated when we use self-discipline to stop and ask questions like “Is that what will really happen?” or “If that happens, how might God use it for good?” or “How can I turn that back to God?” That last question is an important one because, at least on one level, worry borders on blasphemy. If God is really in charge and knows the future and cares for me, what right do I have to worry? Robert Browning wrote “our times are in His hands who saith, ‘A whole I planned, youth shows but half; Trust God: See all, nor be afraid!”

The first verse we taught each of our three sons was 1 Peter 5:7: “Casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.” Now the echo of my words to them speaks to me.3. I will thank God daily for a loving wife, my accepting kids and their wives, and the support, encouragement, and prayers of true friends.
Your list of people that you are thankful for may not be the same as mine, but you do have a list even if you haven’t written it down. An attitude of gratitude is a great antidote for the malaise we often slip into when we focus on the negatives or enter into a pity party. Bad things happen to good people but good friends can help us avoid morbidly dwelling on our tough times. Paul reminds us that God’s desire is that we be joyful always and give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:16 & 18). I think part of the key is the other admonition verse sandwiched between those two: “Pray continually.” (1 Thessalonians 5:17). When we are constant in our prayers – including thanksgiving – it is almost impossible to not be joyful. Our prayers remind us that God is in control and that He loves us dearly . . . even, maybe especially, in tough times.

This past summer and early fall I had days that stretched into weeks of some of the darkest depression I have ever known. Life no longer seemed worth living. It was the prayers and comforting words of friends that helped lift the ominous clouds and enabled me to again focus with gratitude on the gracious goodness of our loving God. My renewed prayers often included the liturgical call and response: “God is good; all the time. All the time, God is good.” My prayers also began to faithfully thank God for the family and friends He has given me.

I will end with this email from yesterday that I received from my aunt. It illustrates why I will thank God every day for family and friends.
Our dearest loved one. We all truly love the person you are. You are such afine human being! We all wish you the best in this hard time ahead. Thank you so much for your call. We are all doing all we can to understand all you have been thru. If we can do anything, please let us know. As I said, I am so sad for what you have been thru and so thankful you have Jo beside you. What a wonderful partner you have. She is such a special person. Dave [my cousin] says 'we will still be playing golf together and my feeling for the person you are now is no different than before" Julie, Tom, Dianne and Dave [two other cousins and their husbands] send their love and we all pray for others to understand that you are such a great person of integrity for telling others how you feel. Please let me know what name you would like me to call you. Whatever you want is what it will be. I love you.

4. I will pray for those who ignorantly or willfully are unable or unwilling to accept me for who I am.
Praying for those that are making your life miserable is the best way to keep life in perspective. It worked for David. Many of the psalms start out with what certainly looks like whining, but by the time David is done with these prayers they have turned into confident testimony of God’s faithfulness.

Getting your head around someone being transgender is a lot to ask; even from families and friends. Asking that they try is appropriate and hopefully some will get it and those that don’t will say, “I don’t understand, but I love you.” The hard cases are those that are unwilling to try because of ingrained prejudice or cultural baggage. Praying helps.

In the current struggles with my employer, Joanne and I keep the university in our prayers on a daily basis. We pray for God to break through and help them understand. We pray for a peaceful and just resolution. If God has other plans, we will still continue to follow His leading and still keep praying.

One late October morning Joanne shared with me a portion of a footnoted verse from her daily Bible reading. It reads: “This is what the Lord says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.’” (2 Chronicles 20:15b). Later that day we received a letter from the university that made the necessity of our legal action clear. God had prepared us for it and prayer has sustained us through “the battle”. 5. I will continue to grow in knowing and experiencing the presence of God in my life. I will keep following his leading.

Since I have been able to live a more authentic life – identifying and expressing myself in accord with my gender identity – worship has become more precious and meaningful, the fruits of the Spirit more treasured and manifest, and a clear sense of the presence and leading of God clear and certain. In dialogue with other Christian TG/TSs, I have found this experience to be the norm more than the exception. It should not surprise us that when we are more honest with God and others that our spiritual life will blossom and God will draw near.

Joanne and I have experienced God’s leading and going before us to prepare the way again and again in the last few years. It has been an ongoing confirmation of His blessing and leading and a great encouragement when others cannot comprehend what we are dealing with or why we desire to be open about it. Sometimes we feel like Abraham - going but not knowing where – but that’s what faith is all about. Like Abraham, we will complete the journey by continuing to follow God’s leading.
6. I will not listen to the "religious-talk" of those with words that seek to drown out the Holy Spirit's comfort and consolation in my life.
“Religious talk” is the use of spiritual – sometimes even Biblical – words to make statements that conflict with the revealed Word of God and the comforting and confirming presence of the Holy Spirit in our lives. The hateful words of “religious talk” are not the same as caring brothers and sisters in Christ with whom we might disagree. Most of Romans 14 is about how to get along with those we disagree with. Paul says we shouldn’t cause others to stumble but also shouldn’t let others speak evil of what we know to be good. He goes further to say that each should be convinced in their own mind and repeats an earlier reminder (12:18) to live in peace with those in Christ, as much as possible. Sometimes that is a difficult balance to strike.

With practice we can learn to differentiate between those who conscientiously seek Truth and those that use religious talk as justification for personal animosity or prejudice. One test is if someone is looking at the “whole counsel of God” or if they apply Biblical texts with great selectivity. It is possible to prove almost anything if you pick the right verses and ignore the context or the rest of the Bible. Here are some other tests. Do the words seek to build up or tear down? Are they words of love or words of disdain or even hate? Is the emphasis on law or grace?

When faced with those that would try to use the Bible as a club of condemnation, let’s follow Paul’s advice and warn them twice and then have nothing to do with them. Paul says those that delight in quarreling about the law are warped, sinful, and self-condemned (Titus 3:10, 11). Praying for those trapped in this folly can help us avoid responding with the same kind of venom directed at us. We can also seek to pray and live the 13th century prayer of St. Francis: “Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love.”7. I will become a Presbyterian.

How and why does a Baptist become a Presbyterian? The “how” is usually easy. You attend, take the classes, affirm your faith, and you are in. Of course if you are a transsexual, there is the added step of finding a church where you are welcome. Last Monday night, the session (leadership) of the church where Joanne and I have been attending had their monthly meeting. The pastor shared with them what we were dealing with. There were a few questions and then it was agreed that my TS was a non-issue and we were welcome to become members. (Most thought I was just a tall woman! J).

The “why” is somewhat more complicated but still not as much of a stretch as some might think. Joanne and I are both strongly reformed and conservative in our theology (but somewhat moderate in some social issues). This church was a solid fit. The issue of infant baptism was the only point that required some research and reflection. As I studied the Presbyterian position, it became clear that their practice was very close to the baby “dedication” that many churches practice. It is a commitment by the church to that child, a reminder of God’s covenant promises (and inclusion of the child into the life of the local church family), and an affirmation of God’s grace in redemption.

We also wanted a church that openly demonstrated the unconditional love modeled and called for by Jesus. This church has it. Their motto is “The little church with the big heart.” Right doctrine without the demonstrable love of Jesus is what the Pharisees had and too many churches have today. We have had enough of that.

So, we are becoming Presbyterians. I have always enjoyed the writings of R.C. Sproul and any denomination that has an ordained transgender pastor (Erin Swenson – you go girl!) sounds like a good place to be.8. I will not be silent when bigotry, discrimination, or hate cross-dress in the robes of Christianity. I will not let what I know to be good to be spoken of as evil.

A church – or a life – where bigotry, discrimination, or hate is tolerated is not a Christian church or a faithful Christian walk. It is a field day for Satan especially when this Serpent’s venom comes from the mouth of those claiming to be Christians. When Jesus sums up ALL the law and the prophets with two love commands, anything that is inconsistent with an ethic of love is seriously flawed. Our lives must seek to emulate the life of Jesus in loving and being inclusive of those that the “religious” look down on and seek to exclude. Jesus said that his children would be known not by their rules, righteousness, or even doctrine, but by their love.

Romans 14 explains to us how we are to deal with issues where Christian sisters and brothers may disagree. There are four principles that Paul gives us to pursue in dealing constructively with our differences: (1) be convinced of your position in your own mind, (2) do all you can to live at peace with others, (3) do your best to avoid causing others to stumble, and (4) do not let what you know to be good be spoken of as evil. The last principle is often the hardest to do. Part of my reason for pursuing a discrimination complaint is that my prescribed Standards of Care for my diagnosed condition – that I know to be good from prayer, research, experience, and the comfort of the Holy Spirit – are being called evil. I will not be silent about God’s goodness in my life, especially when others call it evil.
9. I will win.

This is not some macho, braggadocio, competitive thing. It is complete confidence in the promises of Christ. To win in competition is a human victory; to be “more than conquerors” is the power of God’s love for us. In life there will be setbacks, defeats, and disappointments but in Christ – through His sovereign power and grace – we march perpetually triumphant in the victor’s parade. This is the triumph that enables martyrs to die while singing praises, suffering saints to pray with joy and thanksgiving, and the persecuted Church to grow Divinely. Victory in Jesus is not dependent upon the circumstances of life but on faith in Christ the Victor.

One of my favorite pieces of music is Pavarotti singing his signature song: Nessun Dorma. The song is about a long night and an impending battle. It ends with a sound of unbelievable confidence and hope – a primal cry of triumph – vincerỏ, vincerỏ, vincerỏ! “I will conquer, I will conquer, I will conquer.” I will win.10. I will not take my life.This is last because it has taken the longest to get to and it is the hardest to write about. Due to illegal and harmful actions taken by my employer, there were weeks this past summer and early fall when thoughts of suicide were a constant demonic roar. Many times I composed an email that began with the words, “By the time you read this, I will be dead.” I knew how and where I would do it. God prevented the when.

God used my own desperate prayers, the prayers of others, and the compassion of my doctor (a Christian) to help me put these darkest of all days behind me. Now when Satan tries to bring this darkness to me, I can more quickly recognize it and turn it away. The simplest of prayers – “Help me Jesus” – is a most powerful weapon against the forces of darkness. I have many friends, known and unknown, who pray with me and God hears and gives the victory.

This side of those dark days I can also think more clearly about reasons for this resolution. One reason, as others have noted, is that suicide is the most selfish of acts. I do not want to hurt my wife and kids (and kids-in-law). I love them all too dearly to do that. I want to watch my grandson mature into a Godly man. I want to live and treasure the life God has given me; the woman I am becoming. I want to use the gifts God has given me for His glory.

Almost as strong a reason is the unwillingness to let hate and bigotry claim another victim. As many of you know, the negative responses of society, family, friends, and even “church” are the main reason the suicide rate is 20-25 times higher for transsexuals than the general population. I resolutely refuse to let prejudice or ignorance or hate win. The battle for understanding and acceptance of this medical condition and treatment needs all the warriors it can get. I will not take my life.